by: Sarah James
Every once in a while you take a gamble on a film you’ve
never heard of, and watching it is like winning the lottery. I had that experience over the holidays. I invited a group of people over to my house
for a holiday horror night. I had no
specific film in mind, but I assumed we’d watch a holiday slasher. Luckily, my friend Neil was in
attendance. Neil watches more movies
than any human I’ve ever known, and I wholeheartedly trusted his recommendation
of 12 Disasters of Christmas. 12
Disasters is not a slasher, it’s a SyFy production that tries really hard. For that, I love it.
Have you heard the story of Joseph and Mary? They give birth to a child, affectionately
known as Jacey. In Jacey’s quest to save
the world, she is betrayed by Jude.
This isn’t a Bible tale.
It’s the 12 Disasters of Christmas!
Jacey appears to be your average, blonde headed, attractive teenage girl
from Idaho. We quickly find out that
Jacey is much more that meets the eye. The
year is 2012. Jacey is of Mayan descent,
and she’s the Chosen One sent to save the world from total destruction.
This is a lot to wrap one’s mind around. Luckily we have Jacey’s Grampa and his creepy
serial killer-esque bulletin board of Mayan prophecies to help us understand
what’s going on. I could
paraphrase, but I think it’s best to just let Grampa, obviously the town crazy
person, tell you in his own words. In
reference to the Christmas carol The Twelve Days of Christmas, Grampa frenetically
schools Jacey and Joseph, “It’s not just a Christmas carol. Do you know the song? Do you know what it means?! When the Mayans were being conquered by
Cortes they feared that this prophecy would be wiped out with them. So they created a song to ensure that their
message would survive. And it’s been for
millenniums spread around the world and translated into dozens of different
languages. Joseph, I don’t have time to
explain this to you. You gotta believe
me. I’m not crazy, and the world is
going to end today unless you stop it, and you can’t do it without Jacey!”
Long story short, Jacey has been given a magical Mayan ring
by her grandmother which, when placed on Jacey’s finger, brings out a magical
Mayan birthmark on Jacey’s arm. Jacey must
search all of Calvary (yes, Calvary), Idaho (yes, Idaho) for the remaining four
rings buried by the Mayans. That’s
right…five golden rings. Once Jacey has
all five rings on her hand she will be able to save the world. Luckily, Jacey gets abdominal cramps as she
nears the location of each ring (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, anyone?). Jacey also asks the question that’s been on
all of our minds, “Do I look Mayan to you?”.
Grampa explains that a thousand years of European intermarriage can do
that. Moving on!
Along the way, we experience the twelve disasters of
Christmas…or at least some of them. I
lost count, but I’m pretty sure we never hit twelve. The first and goriest are the icicles of
death which explode from the sky and impale innocents and inflatable holiday
decorations alike. These seemingly come
out of nowhere and will delight and surprise you regardless of whether or not you
know they are coming. Speaking of holiday
decorations, my friend Emily aptly noted that even Grampa had decorated for
Christmas, even though he KNEW the end of the world was coming. Another of my favorite disasters is the
treenado, which occurs at a Christmas tree farm. On my first viewing, all I could say, over
and over again, was “Oh, God, it’s happening!
It’s happening! TREENADO!!!”.
There are actual villains in this movie, but they are what
I’d call “soft” villains. The real focus
here is the end of the world. For what
it is worth, our Bible-familiar readers will recognize Kane as our villain’s
name and Jude as the mayor who betrays Jacey’s family.
You know a movie is hitting the right spot if you can’t shut
up while watching it. I don’t mean the
annoying chitter chatter. I mean the gasps,
the oooohs, the aaaahs, the belly laughs. This movie is best watched with others. Gather your friends and prepare yourself for
the ultimate Revelations meets Mayan prophecy film!
The 12 Disasters of Christmas is available for rent on
Amazon, or you can just buy the DVD like I did.
The DVD was released under the title 12 Disasters, and it’s currently
selling for less than $10 on Amazon.
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